February 4, 2025
Unwritten & Understood
What a powerful lesson I learned about nature, trees, and life.
A couple of years ago, for Mother’s Day, Robert and the kids gifted me a lime tree. I have nurtured and cared for this tree outdoors during the summer and brought it inside during winter, ensuring it has the perfect environment for growth. If you are unfamiliar with lime trees, known for their fragrant blossoms and juicy fruit, thrive in warm, sunny conditions.
Recently, in my morning rush, I briefly placed the tree outside in freezing temperatures, hoping to water it without creating a mess indoors. However, while managing four kids and not my time, 🙂 I realized I wouldn’t have time to water it before we had to leave for school as I planned. The thought of bringing it back inside crossed my mind, but optimism fooled me into believing a short trip to drop the kids off would be fine.
My mission became clear upon returning home: I needed to water the tree and bring it inside. I saw my beloved tree wilting on the porch, so I sprang into action, watering it and immediately bringing it back indoors. I was hopeful, but as I stand here today, this thing doesn’t exactly look like it’s thriving anymore. I am uncertain if it will survive. However, not all is lost in my catastrophe. Not only did I learn that trees quickly deteriorate in less-than-ideal environments, but the situation reminded me how fast our environments can affect us.
My tree has endured periods of insufficient sunlight, water, and nutrients—somehow it has always survived and even thrived with a little bit of TLC. However, no TLC was going to be enough to save my tree this time. The cold environment, even for a short time, took its toll on my little lime queen.
But we already know that plants are sometimes sensitive to their enviroments, don’e we?
I mean, how many plants have you killed in your lifetime? Some of mine died from over watering. I remember when I got my first plant from my sweet neighbor. It was a snake plant. I was going to be a changed woman from years past. There would no longer be a cycle of the plant looking dry, me promising myself I would water it, me forgetting, and weeks later, there would be a dead tree. I watered this snake plant, and you wouldn’t believe it, but apparently this was the first plant that I ever owned that can get over-watered “loved” and rot and die. Believe me when I tell you, this bothered me. I have a paid app for this now, I learn about a plant’s environment right when I buy the darn thing. However, like most instructions, I interpret them as flexible suggestions. Yep! My lime tree proved my brown thumb wrong again!
I should have known though, right? Our environments matter. I am reflecting on my life and the challenges I’ve faced over 37 years; I recognize many struggles stemmed from choosing to remain in toxic relationships. Even brief moments in unhealthy situations can have lasting effects. This is not only in romantic relationships; toxic friendships have their fair share of devastating outcomes that could have been avoided by fleeing sooner than later. While the signs of an unhealthy relationship can often be obvious, much like my wilting tree, there are nuances to when it is time to go, and you should forfeit all efforts.
If you don’t have a dying tree to remind you how important your environment is, I am here to share snippets of my life experiences and when I knew I had to go.
One-sided friendships: Throughout my life, I often held onto one-sided friendships, hoping for change, but those emotional attachments brought more pain than letting go ever would. My name sits next to a missed call on their phone for weeks, never returned. You know, I make plans; they break them. We have all been in those friendships which aren’t fun or healthy. I would think about what I could do to make myself more valuable to them. I always just showed up when they needed me without being asked, removed the word “no” from my vocabulary, and when they called me out of convenience, I would answer, even if it wasn’t a good time for me. In the end, I only found more investment, which deepened my attachment, and in stark contrast, they respected me less. These bonds are hard to leave, and they can devastate your self-esteem. If you see red flags that you are in a one-sided friendship, you might take a step back for emotional clarity and decide if this relationship is best for you. If you see the negativity it brings to your life, let the relationship go. There are always more fish in the sea!
Overly Dependent Relationships: I have also been in places where I was expected to shoulder others’ burdens. In one significant situation, a friendship with a professional turned toxic as she manipulated me for more than I was comfortable giving. When I tried to distance myself, the manipulation intensified in threats about removing me from her social media. When I wouldn’t engage, she would message me again with another sob story about how much she missed our friendship. I will be honest; that chic creeped me out. It was the first time I realized the importance of recognizing dependence early on and packing up before the crap show began. Highlighting that not all unhealthy relationship dynamics stem from lack of attachment. The ones who love you too much, like I did my snake plant, are just as much of a hindrance to our well-being. Side note: Please just don’t have personal relationships with people that have authority over your life. What a stupid decision on my part. I was like a mouse on one of those sticky pads trying to get out of that. Just don’t. Let me be the designated goose in the flock for you.
Family Relationships: Toxicity can manifest in family relationships, too. These suck, don’t they? You deal with a bunch of disrespect; alcohol on the holidays just isn’t tuning them out anymore. Boundaries get crossed, and you finally say something in hopes of resolving the issue, and discussions fall into deaf ears. When efforts become exhausted, it is essential to prioritize our emotional well-being. These relationships can profoundly affect everyone involved, including those you did not intend to impact, like your spouse or children. You know how it goes: When you think about those relationships, your spouse becomes the sounding board for your endless rants and often becomes the person at the tip of your defensive sword, and the children get less attention because your focus remains on this failing relationship that you discovered is failing, and there is nothing you can do about it; yet, you keep trying because that’s the “family” thing to do, right? You are bad for refusing to deal with bull from your family, right? This doormat response to your environment is like a silent poison in the air, infiltrating the well-being of everyone around you. While you can’t control others’ actions, you can choose to step away before emotional harm deepens. Leaving a toxic relationship is not easy, especially with family, but self-preservation is a worthy endeavor. Family should be the most supportive environment, and when it isn’t, trust me when I say it is absolutely okay to draw the line and say enough is enough. If a family member is disinterested in mutual respect, then the label becomes just that, a label, until they initiate some maturity. People who love you — family members should — will not be okay with hurting you, and do not stay in their dysfunction simply because of a title they have in your family tree. Standing up for yourself, even against family, can be a freeing moment.
These are just a few examples of the havoc relationships can reap on our environments. Often, like my tree, short periods in a harmful atmosphere can have detrimental effects both physically and emotionally. So my question is: When will you abandon the unchangeable and seek refuge for yourself?
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